Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Cream of the Creep - Best of Craigslist

How do you measure the damn thing? - m4w

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Reply to: pers-965699600@craigslist.org ^[?] Date: 2008-12-21, 1:09AM EST
I will admit it. I am surfing almost aimlessly on CL right now, and I was combing through the M4Whomever posts, many of which, as you know, feature graphic photos of what the prospective mate has to offer manhoodwise. One advertise a man 5'9" and slender with a 7" penis. There was a photo of the man completely erect. Now, you can't very well misrepresent a number with a picture attached, so presumably the man is 7".

I am much taller and more powerfully built than this man, and my fully erect penis is larger in proportion to his. But whatever instrument he is using, I would be at least 8". Yet I would never claim such an impressive complement! Like any red-blooded male, I have broken out the tape measure at various times in my life, and I always have tried to be an honest broker with myself. I measure only from the shaft t o the tip in an unexaggerated straight line. It comes out just under 7" each time. And believe me I have hoped it would grow. But the tape reads the same each time.

So do these measurements give the benefit of every doubt and accident of geometry? When someone says they want 8" what does that even mean? I know this is a masochistic and masturbatory question, but I am just wonde ring.

I'll be there today and he won't - m4w - 22 (Bowery )

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Reply to: pers-965889547@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-21, 10:48AM EST

I know I have months of work ahead, but in the near future let's share a warm bed. babies in time, life is devine, but at the moment its suffering. I'll see you soon, break out this caccoon, and blossom to be on your level, your strange self asteem, in tangled extreems, he's but a worm on the end of a hook. love your very hungry catapiller

to the F bitch who got me oral herpes - m4w

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Reply to: pers-966339750@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-21, 6:14PM EST

where in the world are you so i can kick ur ass? i cant afford the freaking medicine and i have the most horrible cold sord ever. im hating, everybody be carefull this bith didnt have anything when we made out. thats right, we only made out! shit.

this is the wierdest yet. - m4w - 24

i came home. recently. looked in my trash box and there they are 2 pics of you and me. im sure im 1000% sure i deleted these. is it a hacker, is someone taking over my pc. im we ll protected i know that. why whowhat and where. i will only post one. i blurred it out with some art. it was the first pic we ever to took together. i remember clearly. i disposed of all or thing that reminded me of you. i am sure of it. what should i think of this.that hard drive i kept of you is still in my briefcase. no lie no joke these where deleted. i made sure of it. it cant be any of my family. you just cant retreive data like that after it has been permanently deleted. why are they back. whats going . this is scaring me here. are you feeling the same things as i do. im very serious. here. this is not a joke. I DELETED THESE PICS. why in god name why are they back on my comp. on my new comp that i bought. just to not see any mre of you. i guess this is the most i will see of you. thats the sign i will take it as. it made me tear when i seen it. this is crazy truely crazy...

Pre-X-Mas Jitters

Aglow

by Matthew Zapruder

Hello everyone, hello you. Here we are under
this sky. Where were you Tuesday? I was at the El Rancho
Motel in Gallup. Someone in one of the nameless rooms
was dying, slowly the ambulance came, just another
step toward the end. An older couple asked me
to capture them with a camera, gladly I rose
about three inches and did and then back to my chair.
I thought of Paul Celan, one of those poets
everything happened to strangely as it happens
to everyone. In German he wrote he rose one pain inch
above the floor, I don't understand but I understand.
Did writing in German make him a little part
of whoever set in motion the chain of people
talking who pushed his parents under the blue grasses
of the Ukraine? No. My name is Ukrainian
and Ukranians killed everyone but six people with my name.
Do you understand me now? It hurts to be part
of the chain and feel rusty and also a tiny squeak now
part of what makes everything go. People talk a lot,
the more they do the less I remember in one of my rooms
someone is always dying. It doesn't spoil
my time is what spoils my time. No one can know
what they've missed, least of all my father who was building
a beautiful boat from a catalog and might still be.
Sometimes I feel him pushing a little bit on my lower back
with a palm made of ghost orchids and literal wind. Today
I'm holding onto holding onto what Neko Case called
that teenage feeling. She means one thing, I mean another,
I mean to say that just like when I was thirteen
it has been a hidden pleasure but mostly an awful pain
talking to you with a voice that pretends to be shy
and actually is, always in search of the question
that might make you ask me one in return.

(2008)

GIMME GIMME BURRITOS

COSMIC CANTINA

105 3rd Ave
Homemade flour tortillas
Bangin Burritos (*Deluxe Veg)
Organic, fresh ingredients
*$2 Beers,Sangria $3 Pitchers $8-$15

Open til 5 AM. EV right by L.

rip sparks zine

R.I.P. Dear Friend

Memories of Sparks and Me.

my fav --->

"dearest sparks.

i drink so much of you that by the end of the night i have forgotten everything. how did i get home? where are my shoes? who is this man? how can one be both exhausted and awake at the same time? thank you for many many years of orange vomit, bad decisions, restless nights, and the opportunity to be awake for the sunrise. you will be missed.
yours truly,

mickey pussy pass that sparkzzz."

"Dear Sparks,
I didn't know you very well; I only drank you once and when I did I choked on you and exclaimed "This tastes like liquid Smarties." Later I realized this was because you were marketed to underage drinkers--bridging the gap between candy and "candy". When I was young I drank wine coolers or my mom's Kahlua with milk; I'd close my eyes, lift my pinkie in the air, and pretend I was a divorcee. It was always difficult to luxuriate in pain with a cold metal can in my hand. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you were good to my friends. Their loss is mine.

Yours,
shanty-town"

"Dear Sparks, dear Companion, so close to my racing heart,

How will I throw parties without you? I don't even know how to be funny and entertaining without you. There are too many 'what-ifs.' What if I'd done more for you. What if I'd just drank one extra Sparks every night. What if I'd informed children of your danger and encouraged them to Just Say No until later? What if I repeatedly stabbed that fucking miserable bitch in the Midwest who defamed you. But there's no need to question. It is done now. So I shall thank you. You've given me years of sweet perfumed little farts. And truly the most bizarre spins one could have. I loved to mix you with weed: Sparxball. I loved to scream your name into the night very quickly "SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS!" Sometimes, when I walk, I say your name with every step "SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS." And since we've been one, my heart has proudly thumped "SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS SPARKS" with every beat. And now I will go, and fill every crevise of my home with you, leaving only a small walkway, so I may keep you for as long as possible. Here is a poem I wrote for you, modeled after Auden's "In Memory of W.B. Yeats"

In Memory of Sparks

I.

You disappeared in the dead of winter: WHY???

The streets were frozen, the bars almost deserted,

The snow disfigured the public haters;

The orange stains sank in the mouth of the dying day.



What instruments we have agree

The day of Sparks death was a dark cold day.



Now you are scattered among a hundred empty cans

And we wholly given over to unfamiliar bevarages,

To find happiness in another kind of energy/alcoholic drink

And be punished under a foreign sip of depravity.



The words of a dead can

Are modified in the guts of the living.

What instruments we have agree

The day of Sparks death was a dark cold day.



II

You were silly like us; your electric jolt enlivened our youth.



III

Earth, receive an honoured guest:

Sparks is laid to rest.

Let the American vessel lie

Emptied of its energy and alcohol.



Follow, Sparks, follow right

To the very end of the night,

With your hyperactive voice

Still persuade us to rejoice.



In the deserts of the heart

Let the healing fountains start,

In the prison of his days

Teach the Sparks-less how to praise.



-- Jessica Kate Papitto"



"Dear Sparks, 



I never really got to know you either. Like

Chantal, I prefer the intellectual rapture of smoking pot and watching

television, to the tried and true Trannibal ritual of Sparks and

Mayhem. You always promised unending nights of wide-eyed exuberance,

sleepless weekends and te threat of getting my face stomped on. I

avoided you: you intimidated me. And now you're gone. 

I guess the lesson here is to tell people you love them while you still have the chance. 

So,Sparks, wherever you are now, up in soda pop heaven with Pepsi Crystal,

Orbitz, Fruitopia and Mountain Dew Code Red, I want you to know that

you have turned my friends into monsters. Literally. And now you've

left them like junkies in a Mormon compound, rotting from within. And

I'm (a little) sad about that. 



i'm going top california tomorrow for a week. i trust that by the

time i get back you all will have been through Sparks Withdrawal and

gained the requisite 69 pounds. Sorry. 



xx max



ps you all miss sparks way too much. 

pps i love you anyways"



"When betty page died,

i wasn't surprised.

i thought she was already dead.



same with odetta

and mirmiam makeba.

i ain't got much smarts in my head.



all due to you sparks!

you're pumping through my heart!

much like a hummingbird's wings...



it's dark here without you.

your absence's a sad clue.

it speaks of the end of all things.



sparks + mortality?

this can't be reality, 

without you it's surprisingly stark. 



if "sparks!" i can't shout,

then sparkx this i'm out!

sparks sparks sparks sparks sparks sparks sparks sparks. 



-GIGI SWIFT"



"Dear sparks,

I recently discovered you tasted really bad when drunk out of a

plastic cup....oh Sparks, I'm sorry but you know I'm no good at

talking about my feelings.  That's why I drank you.



I love you and I know I'll see you again in heaven.  I'll look for the

angels with the orange tongues.

Lauren"



"Dear Sparks,



I don't quite know how I'll be able to grind my

teeth in my sleep without you.  Caffeine at 12:30AM?  At 1?  at 3?  How

does one knowingly do that to one's body?  And gladly?  Well my friend,

parting is sweet sorrow.  B/c you did play on my lingering fat-phobia

by coming in blue and you tricked me into thinking alcohol doesn't have

any calories.   You were such a jerk.  Such a beautiful jerk.



I hope youre making angels drunk in heaven,



Tommy" 

2002-2008

"It was the best of films, it was the worst of films:" Nothing But Trouble

BAD ACID-DRENCHED, SICKLY DYSFUNCTIONAL, ANTI-YUPPIE BLACK COMEDY, 90'S HELL ADVENTURE, NO ESCAPE.

In 1991 I was seven years old. We had HBO and one night I came across a movie that appealed to me ... almost two decades later, I am STILL having a nightmare about being trapped in this hellfire! At a certain point I became convinced that no such film ever existed and that these memories were either fantasies that I'd made up or memories from a past life where I was killed in a Nazi Concentration Camp Rollercoaster. a dear friend happened to share similar vague and hackneyed memories of the film (John Candy, sick fucking shit) and FOUND IT!

God I love the internet sometimes. It's a r e a l good detective.

Nothing But Trouble.

Here's what I suggest: consume drugs and watch this fucking movie, man.

My Cryptnopsis:

A financier/Yuppie A (Chevy Chase, kinda hot btw) meets a sexy, kinda harsh woman/Yuppie B (Demi Moore, wtf) and agrees to drive her to a business meeting somewhere far away. Along the way, they idiotically attempt to spice up their safe yuppiedom by commiting a fatal traffic error in a tiny town in the middle of n o w h e r e. But the plan foils and they are arrested and taken to the local court of VALKENVANIA. But things are not as they seem (you could say that again, and again). The courthouse/prison is a PSYCHOTIC death camp full of "zany booby traps and deadly contraptions. Throughout the film we follow the captured couple as they try to escape from the judge and his bizarre family a.k.a dante's inferno.

I will not say more except:

DICK NOSE:

OBESE DEATH TWINS:

JOHN CANDY IN DRAG:

& TUPAC SHAKUR!

Memorable Quotes:

"Y'know, you are worse than a week of yellow shitstorms"

"Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch."

"Wait, I'm entitled to one phone call.
Surely, and you're more than welcome to make one, if we had a phone.

"I have to plead to the Fifth Dimension."

VIEWER RESPONSE:

"This one is the #1 all-time worst movie ever. And I've seen A LOT of movies."

"I thought I was the only one! I decorated my house exactly like it. I still love watching, and showing it to all my friends... who kind of inch away from me as I die laughing." weirdo

"Haters, you are all unimaginative and insatiable. This is a good old fashioned funny freak show straight from the mind of Aykroyd. The whole movie had a rustic oddball tone to it that just got weirder and weirder. C'mon enjoy it for it's undeniable uniqueness and it's ability to work out your WTF muscles." weirdo

"Shitty but I like it. I can't look anybody in the eyes and say that it's a good movie, but I dig it"

"Anyone connected to this film should apologize to all the people who they have mischaracterized and issue refunds to anyone who sat through this depraved and disgusting film. What's next? A comedy film about Auschwitz?"

"OK, maybe I'm just weird but this is one of the scariest movies I have ever seen, and I don't get scared easily. The whole junkyard environment is my ideal definition of a nightmare. Despite spikes of humor here and there, the situation never gets better. I've woken up in a cold sweat numerous times from this damn movie. I'm now twenty and thinking back to this movie still makes me nauseous. Anyone else?

This film was nominated in 1991 by the Razzie Awards for:

Worst Actress, Demi Moore, Worst Supporting Actor, Dan Aykroyd, Worst Director, Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Dan and Peter Aykroyd, Worst Supporting Actress, John Candy

HIP HOP VIDEO FOR THE FILM:

**For a real Valkenvania see: http://www.offroaders.com/album/centralia/centralia.htm

YES AND YES

SEEN + FOUND

Gregory Crewdson, kind of the jam









Li Wei, also cool






David LaChapelle


Ruth


Unknown Artist

Impossibly Long Pigtails

The Works of Amy Cutler, American folk artist (1974-

All works © Amy Cutler, Courtesy Leslie Tonkonow Artworks + Projects, New York.